Spent the night with my new logo maker... it was great.... i do enjoy being in California and not having to answer to anyone... it's nice just doing what I want... Although my life could seem a little boring...it's really just a part of the grand illusion... When i'm here... it's all mine. i do what i want.. whenever i want... i do this at home, too... but...Here its different...i don't have to worry about how loud the t.v. is...what time i go to bed... if i do... i never knew how much i'd enjoy being all by myself... i've never done it... so how would i know?
I've been married all my life... i had the most awesome husband in the world...Too bad for him he didn't feel the same way about me... he's an idiot... i have a beautiful daughter and mother, who really do have flaws, (i know it shocked me, too)..otherwise they would be saints and god woud take them for his own.
I was the one who broke up my marriage...I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY.. when our son died, i died, too... i just hid inside myself for a while... it was the worst thing ever... i hid in california alot, to work, just so i could be by myself and be sad. i don't remember very much of it.
It's really strange, the effect that grief has on you... you don't even notice the changes... they just happen... and i guess people feel sorry for you, or something, and they don't hold you accountable... then you feel sorry for yourself, so you don't hold yourself accountable... and before you know it... you are the incredible hulk, who is in truth just a mean bully.
My husband finally got tired of being the brunt of everything that was wrong in my life and wanted out... i was devastated and attempted suicide... he was out with the other woman and she was living my life... i had all i could take... i really, and truly, wanted to die... ironic, because that was how my son died.
So, when dear sweet hubby told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, i felt like i had lost everything...my son had comitted suicide...and left me... and now my wonderful husband left me, too... he was my rock. how could i go on without him?... i was so deep in self pity...so deep...
I went to therapy...(i know)...it helped alot.
I stopped making excuses...of course i had no choice i had no one left to blame...
I still miss my son...terribly...i always will...
I still miss my husband... i always will...
We are still friends... i hope we always will be...
but...
I'm still here... my life is better... i'm doing exactly what i want to do... and i find lately that i'm really happy... doing just that... i get lonely sometimes... but its amazing how seldom that is... It really is amazing how seldom i get sad.
I have to type that again "IT AMAZES ME THAT I'M NOT SAD ALL THE TIME ANYMORE"
It's such a wonderful revelation... the world is not so bad... when you are actually living it...
life can be so, so, shitty and then...
life can be really good.
